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Married staffer spending too much time with single undergrad — Do I say anything?

Reader question: We have a young male post-doc in our lab who got married a year ago, and many of us attended. He is spending a lot of time with a young single female undergrad who works nearby, but has no real reason to work with her. They’re having lunch every day, chatting here and there, taking breaks. They’re both doing fine jobs, and there’s nothing technically work-related. The only exception — people are making side remarks about it, and it’s hurting their reputations. People are questioning their judgment — his in particular. I don’t think there’s anything going on, but I think that could change. He reports directly to me. I'm thinking of having a heart-to-heart with him after work and gently suggest that he focus his attentions elsewhere. Is that the right approach, and any suggestions on what to say?

Expert Comments:

This is tough judgment call. If things have gotten to the point where it’s crossed the boss’ desk, then a personal issue has spilled over into work-related things. And the boss should act in the best interests of the organization.

The operative phrase is “damaging his reputation.” This behavior is harming the team or at least distracting, and that’s the only reason a boss would intervene — if it’s impacting the team in a negative way. Only then should you skillfully bring it to the person’s attention. The key is to have a friendly chat — more of a “word to the wise” conversation between trusted friends than that of a boss/subordinate.

First, the person in this case is doing a good job, so tell him just that — he’s doing a great job. Then say something like: “You’re spending a lot of time with X (the undergrad). What you do on your own time is none of my business. I’m not accusing you of anything. People are talking, and yes, people can be busybodies, and maybe shame on them. I’m not telling you not to see her. I’m just making you aware that this sort of thing can be damaging to your reputation and damaging to the reputation of the team. You may want to consider reflecting on this.”

Then, as the dialogue proceeds, focus that this is simply a friendly chat and that you’re not telling him what to do or accusing him of anything. This is about how things appear, and the post-doc should be aware of it and that it is distracting to the team.

Be sure to clearly state that you’re only interested in how it impacts the workplace.

In addition, there is always the risk that something can go wrong between them and there could be a sexual harassment issue. The warning signs you should look for include the following:

• complaints by co-workers that someone is being harassed
• one party appears uncomfortable
• if there’s a supervisor/subordinate relationship, any unusual rise in discipline for either the worker or supervisor, which might suggest punishment for not granting sexual favors
• increased absences or medical leave by the undergrad, indicating a desire to avoid the post-doc
• most obviously, any sexual harassment complaints by the victim.

If you see any of these signs, you should start to ask questions. The employer can be delicate about determining if someone is unhappy without violating anyone’s privacy. Also, look for any signs of hostility because that could suggest sexual or other kinds of harassment.

If you feel the situation rises to a level that requires more in-depth investigation based upon your observations, then you should get HR involved.

Expert comments by John Baldoni, executive coach, Ann Arbor, Mich., and author of Lead by Example: 50 Ways Great Leaders Inspire Results; and employment-law attorney David Spivak of The Spivak Law Firm in Beverly Hills, Calif.

Note: The above comments are intended as general information only, and not as legal advice for any particular case. Consult professional counsel for any individual situation you face.